I have been fascinated this past week by the Olivia Nuzzi/Ryan Lizza drama that is all over social media. I like gossip as much as the next person and for me gossip involving quasi-celebrities (as opposed to A-list Holywood actors, musicians, athletes) feels much more relatable.

And that’s particularly true when the people at the center of the storm go against type. The straight-laced buttoned-down journalist Ryan Lizza deciding to get very personal on substack is kind of thrilling. Its the stuff of novels where a character you thought you knew goes completely against type.

But as time has moved on I am beginning to realize that whether it’s Ryan Lizza, Olivia Nuzzi or for that matter Prince Harry in his memoir Spare, the rule should be that if you are in the middle of a scandal wait 5 years before you write your tell all book or article. And when you write it try as much as you can to be respectful when writing about others in your life.

Really powerful memoirs can be written by focusing only on yourself. Share nothing embarrassing about family and friends. It won’t be a boring memoir if you dig deep into your own life and convey to the reader what you have learned. And you will help people.

And avoid trashing or revealing embarrassing things about others also extends to personal diaries. We are not going to live forever and if we leave our diaries behind filled with rage at friends and family they may read it and be really hurt and angry. And It will be even sadder if we had made up with these friends and family members before we died and no longer have the anger towards them we expressed in our journals written 5 or 10 years ago.

Now many will say that to write honestly in a journal you have to feel free to write about others even if what you have to say is not pleasant. If you can’t be honest in your own journal where can you be? I get that and maybe the answer is to get it all down on paper and then toss that paper into the trash.

I began this post talking about how the memoirs of Hollywood A List celebrities don’t interest me. But now that I think about it I generalized unfairly because one of the most remarkable memoirs I have ever read is Matthew Perry’s Friends Lovers And The Big Terrible Thing (2022). The level of honesty in that book as he writes about his life and his struggle with addiction is very brave.

But the most remarkable thing about Perry’s memoir is that as hard as he is on himself (too hard in my opinion) he is very generous when talking about his parents, siblings, friends, girlfriends, co-stars, directors, producers etc etc. In fact everyone in the book is treated kindly and with respect. And if he had a falling out with anyone in his life he simply doesn’t name them in the book.

We are close to the start of a new year and for many that means beginning a new diary. And as we go forward with our journals we can write honestly about ourselves and how we plan to improve our situation. We should hold ourselves accountable in our journal but not beat ourselves up. And as for bringing friends and family into our journals in the immortal words of Thumper the rabbit from Bambi: “if you can’t say something nice don’t say nothin’ at all.”